In moving forward, I need to deal with the past.
Come on my journey. Forgive my posts, split into past and present. I hope you can hang in there.
Him and I often joked about the “Universe” … about her wicked sense of humor. Over the years we took turns trying to be brave … trying to move on without each other, failing time and time again. Fate, kismet, destiny … whatever you want to call it, we were thrown curve balls of the highest order.
Maybe the “Universe” is just perverse and cruel.
4 weeks after our first indiscretion we were thrown together again. I was terrified to face him. I was mortally embarrassed about our drunken escapade and was sure he would be too. As I prepared to face him, he called to chat before our public meeting. He arranged to come to my room and I braced myself for the lecture. ‘That can never happen again …”
He entered the room … an impressive presence; tall, handsome but vulnerable. His heart thumped in his chest. I could see it and feel it. Wow. His world was every bit as rocked as mine. No lecture forthcoming (though he told me later it had been his intention), instead he held me and kissed me tenderly. I belonged to him from that moment forward.
Knowing what I know now, would I have made different choices? Would I have forgone the chance of experiencing such a BIG love as a trade off to escaping the endless, gut wrenching, filthy pain that has enveloped my mind, my body and my soul?
Usually my answer is no. But there are days when I wonder if blissful ignorance would have been kinder. Maybe I should have been allowed to stumble through my life comfortably numb.